Country Fried Courtney

Hello Again...

2010-11-03T13:48:00.000-07:00

starring Shelley Long and Me. I almost completely forgot I had a blog, lazy and forgetful is a bad combination. Fear not, as I am resolving to stay faithful to this little website devoted all to me!

How was your day honey?

2009-04-25T08:07:00.000-07:00

Date: Saturday April 25th 2009

Location: Work, specifically the historic area

Find: A jockstrap

If Shermer Highschool was a real place...

2009-04-25T07:21:00.000-07:00

everyone would look like Molly Ringwald.

Like every other post puberty female in America I love all John Hughes films; pre Baby's Day Out. Hughes perfected the art of teen melodrama while maintaining a element of cool.

I have never been cool. As much as I love and want to be Sam from Sixteen Candles, pining for and eventually getting Jake Ryan; I have a feeling I'd be more comfortable in some of the lesser known yet important roles. Here we go in no real order:

Sixteen Candles

So my fave movie for forever. I heart it so much and I'll have you know I was in love with Jake Ryan waaaaay before Hot Topic started selling t-shirts with his face. I think it makes it even more awesome that Micahel Schoeffling aka the model of 80s teen perfection quit the biz to make furniture. What!!!

Anyways in the midst of Sweet Sixteen shenanigans there is a man who I don't think gets nearly enough credit:

Grandpa Fred

Who is Grandpa Fred? Grandpa Fred is the the fantastically inappropriate grandfather of Samantha Davis Baker Jr! I want to grow up to be him, appearing to be perpetually slightly intoxictaed and the only one who laughs during awkward moments. "Hey Howard, there's your Chinaman."

The Breakfast Club

Prolly the definitive work in the John Hughes collective. There is nothing to say about this movie that hasn't been said already, heck people are even writing dissertations on it. How awesome would that be?

Out of a cast of only 7 everyone's real hero is Carl.
Carl even has a facebook, fan page. Do you?

"I am the eyes and ears of this school."

Some Kind of Wonderful

I'd so be the dad in this movie.
I am totally pissed at that kid blowing his savings on some earrings for a skirt. What the hell Keith? Caroline in the City is cute and all but you should have known from the beginning to stick with Watts. Watts was the inspiration for Emily Valentine from 90210 (I know It)!

"You're Cool"

"Watch out Bren, she's dangerous!"

This movie also has the greatest all time makeout scene ever. Here it is for gratuitious enjoyment.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off
The only mistake that streetwise Ferris makes during his epic adventure is handing over the keys of a Ferrari 250 GT California to a couple of yabbos! I'd much rather joyride around the streets of Chicago in an classic car with the Star Wars soundtrack blasting in my wake than go to a Cubs game.

"What country do you think this is?"

Pretty in Pink

James Spader's chest hair. That is all

Who are you to judge

2009-02-05T12:39:00.000-08:00

The continual trials and tribulations of Courtney's civic duty.

Day 2

10:00am- I'm back at the Moss Justice center sitting in a super cold room. Its called the "deliberation room," I need one of those in my house. I am sitting with 12 other people and we just stare at each other sort of suspiciously; sizing each other up as to who is going to be the trouble maker who goes 12 Angry Men on us.

10:30- We go and sit in the little box in the middle of the court room, its kind of like being a rockstar but without smiling and no Lycra. We find out that this is a domestic violence case-great and learn all the rules and stuff about what we can and cannot do. I feel bad one lady is the alternate. Like in miss America, she has to go through all the same junk but cannot make a decision, that's some boo.

10:45- Trial starts. Stereotyping is wrong? I think not, the prosecution and defense lawyers look and act exactly the way you see in movies and TV.

Prosecution:
Little, nervous, bad tie: Begins his tail with "It was a dark, cold, rainy evening in December. The Christmas tree was lit up." Really, this is your A game? Its gonna be a looong day

Doogie Howser Pictures, Images and Photos" src="http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c186/Heather110277/DoogieHowser.jpg" border=0>
I passed the BAR on Tuesday

Defense:
Smarmy, smug, southern. Not regular southern but slightly Foghorn Leghorn: Begins with talking about TV shows, You good folks like them TV shows like Law and Order, well that's not exactly how it works...ya see." First of all, don't tell me Law and Order isn't real cuz I saw you on last week's episode. Secondly, please don't ever refer to me as a collection of you folks.

I got my degree from Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil Law.

Join me for the next installment: The Trial aka Rednecks in Love

Don't you Sequester my Authority!

2009-02-05T12:16:00.000-08:00

So I have been remiss in my blogging lately; I think my soul has yet to fully recover from the stagnation that is jury duty. At the age of 29 I have been pretty lucky in avoiding jury duty for the past eleven years. This January my number was up.

Day One:

9:00am- After getting lost and driving all around the Moss Justice Center in York, SC I finally find myself corralled into a room that for some reason reminds of an airport.

9:10am- I fill in all the little sheets and junk when you arrive for duty and am given the number 107. Damn you 107!

9:30- Waiting around with a bunch of people, make a friend who is about my age we start talking junk about some of the folks near us.

9:45- Justice lady comes in and gives us a lecture about civic duty and we should be thankful that we get to do this. She wishes we could all serve on a jury to learn about our justice system. I whisper a little too loudly that I watch Law and Order, the people laugh. Oh, also, we should not try and weasel our way out of jury duty because they will send the sheriff after us. Not scare anyone, but the sheriff gets mentioned a lot.

9:50am-We do role call. All 150 people have to stand up, state our names and occupation, state our spouse's name and occupation. Pretty basic stuff, one guy was named Richard Kimball-awesome

I didn't skip out on jury duty!

I don't care

10:50- Yes it took an hour for role call.

10:52- We wait

11:20-The judge comes in. Gives us the same speech, mentions the sheriff. We then wait some more. Some people go and try their case to be relieved of jury duty.

I give the story of:
One Women Who Failed
Some chick with flame red hair and a denim jacket comes back to her seat dejected and angry. See she has to go to jail on Friday. She has been convicted of domestic assault, she hit her husband and she begins her sentence on Friday. Hand to God the judge does not excuse her. Seriously...what!

12:00- Lunch

2:00 We come back. Justice lady comes up and tells us that everyone but these forty people can leave. You hear a collective groan as numbers are called. Juror number 107 please stay. Damn!

2:15 We get ushered upstairs and have to sit in the court room. New judge asks us a bunch of questions.

2:20- They then call out numbers and those jurors go and stand up in front of both the prosecution and defense. Sort of like sorority rush, but with this one you wanna be rejected. Were are on Juror member number 11! Sweet, the smell of freedom begins to tickle my nostrils the BAM!! Juror number 107, I march up there no hesitation let's take her. Hooray I got a bid for a really crappy sorority with terrible mixers. Yay!

I'm the one in the tie

You're killing me Lizzie McGuire

2009-01-17T09:44:00.000-08:00

I have no words, I wish I had a larger capacity for prose to give this the lambasting it deserves. I am sure the below will speak for itself. We are living in a cultural Sahara.

I'm a song that helped change the face of music

I'm a song that slapped that face.

Gordo should have pistol whipped and locked you in a closet

I had to listen to this immediately to calm down

Sage Wisdom

2009-01-17T07:23:00.000-08:00

I only have part ownership of this blog. The following is a collaboration between myself and my friends Sam and Stacie. The proceeding list is the product of a evening at Sammy's; the neighborhood bar that promises, "Beer, Pool, and Skeeball." Sadly, there is no skeeball but the atmosphere is nice and the drinks are cheap.
Having the combined age of 80, the three of us feel we have quite a few nuggets of wisdom and insight to share. This list was prepared specifically for a high school senior about to emabrk on her very own collegiate experience.

Being such a good list I thought I might want to share with you our guidelines with no editing or changes

Written on Two Bar Napkins I Present the Following with No Alterations

Sage Wisdom

1) Go on Craigslist for hookers

2) There's always room for champagne

3)Always read Courtney's blog

4) Gene Wilder IS Wily Wonka

5) Watch for body language

6) If wishes were dimes, I'd be a millionaire

7) When all else fails, pick the jew.

8) Always rely on Bel Viv Devoe and James Brown to get a party started (now u know)

9) NEVER TRUST A MANWHO DRINKS FRUITY DRINKS WITH A STRAW

10) Dudes in hoodies ALWAYS have something to prove

11) Girls in pink hats are always surprised-don't trust them

12) When in doubt have another

13) Those who wear sunglasses at night are embarrassed of themselves (except for Corey Hart & Bono).

14) NEVER talk to a man who owns fringe

10) Never get a man's name tattoed on your body

*11) If your friends don't like him neither should you!!!

12) Aspire to band MUSE NOT groupie!!

13) Lee Press on Nails are fun but not to be worn out in public.

14) Hyper color shirts were only good in theory

15) Stay away from men who "pop" their collars.

16) Sometimes 4am Waffle House is the only option

17) Black' N Milds are not cool no matter what you think

18) A guy wearing pink can be hot. Guys that wear pink all the time...well they aren't straight

27) Always pick SLASH (G&R youngun') & LL Cool J licks his lips for a reason

28) always ask to see their license

29) Never believe it when it when someone says "I'm not drunk."

30) Never kissa guy who has the same first name as you.

31) If you don't like them give them a fake phone number or the # of someone you hate

51) Never put cats in a bag or date a guy who wears pooka shells as a necklace

53) A guy who wears fake diamonds is always in debt

54) If he has a woman's name tattoed on himseld he's a tool NO MATTER WHAT

63) A stramp stamp is called so for a reason

66) sometimes the only acceptable nickname is chochise

67) If a guy wants to take you to Havana-go (except if his nickname is cochise)

68) A guy who uses dip will eventually have a hole in his lip

69) If a guy wears more jewelry than you avoid him like the plaque this applies to MAKEUP TOO!!

SAGE WISDOM (PAGE DEAUX) WITH A VENGEANCE

68) Beers on special are the only way to go!

69) No matter how great the guy is your girls are the best!

70) Grand gestures are nice but a guy who does the little things is worth keeping

71) Enjoy your life!!! (Greg says)

72) Always, I mean Always check the left hand ring finger

73) Don't let the fear of falling keep your from jumpiong

74) A man that comes to the door is worth it, if he honks-no matter what-ditch him!

75) A man who starts of calling you baby is always full of it!

76) Don't rush it! Enjoy 18!

77) A man with long fingernails should not be trusted.

78) Always know you are a beautiful special girl who is better than most. Someone who is an inspiration to those much older & maybe not too much wiser.

Hope these little life lessons help you all make it through the day!

Chuck Norris Who?

2009-01-15T11:21:00.000-08:00

Oh my friggin’ lord. Its kismet, fate, serendipity: today is Talk Like Jack Bauer Day. Last night I watched all four episodes of season 7 and here it is a little known but important holiday. Gosh, I wish they made cards for this. Who knew such an awesome day existed. In honor of “Talk Like Jack Bauer Day,” I give you my all time favorite quotes growled by my all time favorite defender of the world!

Day 1

“You’re a good liar, but I’ve seen better.”

“Say it again or I’ll break your other wrist!”

Day 2

“I’m gonna need a hacksaw.”

“I can make you die with more pain than you ever imagined”

“Give me a name!”

Day 3

“Shut up stupid, you just fired at a federal agent.”

Michael Amador: “You betrayed me Jack.”
Jack Bauer: “That’s right Amador, you betrayed me to, I’m just better at it than you.”

“You have no idea how far I’m willing to go to acquire your cooperation.”

Day 4

“Make a sound and I will blow your brains all over the windshield”

“That hurts, doesn’t it?”

Day 5

“Let’s get something straight kid, the only reason you’re still conscious is because I don’t wanna carry you.”

“You’re going to tell me what I want to know , it’s just a question of how bad you want it to hurt.”

“Trust me you do not wanna go down this road with me.”

Day 6

“Do you understand the difference between dying for something and dying for nothing? The only reason I fought so hard to stay alive in China is because I didn’t want to die for nothing…today I can die for something…my way, my choice.”

“Drop the coffee.”

“Are you telling me I don’t know how to drive?”

“You will experience a pain I can’t even describe.”

“Say hello to your brother.”

Day 7

“I am more than willing to be judged by the people you claim to represent. I will let them decide what price I should pay. But please do not sit there with that smug look on your face and expect me to regret the decisions I have made. Because, sir, the truth is I don't.”

“What happened to you Tony?”

Overall Award Winning Quote: “Damn It!”

Say a damn it for me sometime today!!

Oil of Olay

2009-01-15T05:11:00.000-08:00

You know that show kids say the Darndest Things? Well sometimes they should be slapped for it.

I was thinking of this incident that happened years back in college. I and two sorority sisters, Amanda and Kristie, decided to take a break from partying and general carousing to spend a wholesome day at the Riverbanks Zoo. The sun was shining and we were feeling pretty proud of ourselves for getting out of bed before 1:00pm on a weekend.

We wandered through and looked at the zebras, monkeys, giraffes, lions, and all that jazz. Who would have known that the real action was coming up in the tortoise enclosure.

Now tortoises are not known for excitement, they basically walk around chewing some grass and looking tired. Sort of like me- but without the grass. This story is not about the big turtle in fact forget the big turtle. This story is about a young jackass.

As we watched the tortoise mosey around a trio joined us comprising of a little girl, little boy, and grandma. I think the parents had pawned the kids off on grandma to go drink wine and celebrate their few hours of freedom.

Grandma and the kids watched the tortoises with us for a moment when the little boy turned to his sister and LOUDLY whispered, “its got skin like grandma.”

Now my little trio took off at a run walk that everyone thinks is subtle but in reality is so not. We got about 50 yards away before we fell out. I remember looking back during my escape to see grandma ignoring her grandson with a kind of quiet dignity.

Now at 21 I thought this was hilarious, but as I bulldoze my way closer to thirty, I wish grandma had tossed that kid into the tortoise pen and left him there.

RASBERRIES!

It goes to 11

2009-01-14T10:56:00.000-08:00

This is part of an older blog I an posting to throw down the gauntlet on a couple of friends of mine (you know who you are). I do this 1) Because I am lazy and recycling stuff and 2) In honor of the tour bus Rock of Love

Sebastian Bach vs. Bret Michaels. An age old dilemma like the chicken and the egg but with mascara and pleather pants.

The following is substantiation that Sebastian clearly wins the battle of washed up rockers in this hair to hair death match:

Sebastian:

Discography
Skid Row rocked out with 18 and Life, Youth Gone Wild, I Remember You, and Wasted Time

Broadway Comeback
He was the title character in Jekyll and Hyde, was Riff Raff in Rocky Horror, AND was in Jesus Christ Superstar

Personal
Has been married to the same chick since 1992…which is awesome for a hair band guy

TV Comeback
Ted Nugent led an intervention on the VH1 reality show SuperGroup and the lead singer gave up alcohol. Nugent promised to "kick the shit out of" Sebastian if he ever drank again. When the Nuge holds your intervention, you know you're awesome.

Cocaine's a hell of a drug

Bret:

Discography
Poison: had such hits at Unskinny Bop, Talk Dirty to Me, Something to Belive in, and Every Rose has its Thorn-which is about a stripper

Personal
Dated Pam Anderson: A place no hair bander has been before

TV Comeback
Bret has held a whose more pathetic contest with Rock of Love, not once, not twice, but THREE times!!!

Lookout Audrey Hepburn

Appearance
Young Sebastian

Amber waves

Young Bret

Someone needs to deep condition

Old Sebastian

Crazy Broadway hotness!

Old Bret

My face looks like Wooly Willy

If you are gonna be with an aging rock star…pick one that rocked. Moreover, he was on trailer park boys.

Morning Calisthenics

Nothing Says Happy Birthday Jesus

2009-01-13T09:33:00.000-08:00

Like a Semi Automatic Weapon

Growing up it became a tradition for my family to take a Christmas Eve pilgrimage to my Maw Maw’s house in Mooresville, NC. Mooresville is known for two things, NASCAR and WHATA-BURGER; the former does not have much to do with this story. WHATA-BURGER, however, became a Hybarger holiday mainstay.

Maw Maw Hybarger was the matriarch of the Hybarger clan. She raised three wild boys who kicked out car windows, chased each other with knives, fell of mountaintops and various other things; most women would have just given up yet she still looked fabulous. Every Christmas the three boys and their families would return to the Mooresville homestead for Christmas fun.

Firstly, my grandmother had a love of ugly trees, we all knew it; she knew it but dared anyone to challenge. The lady did not go in for pines, balsams, or Fraser firs; she loved Cedar Christmas trees. Is there any tree lot in North America that sells Cedar Christmas trees? I think even in her later years she went out and cut one down herself. Her trees were always in need of serious structural support. They always tilted to the side; precariously set to topple burying bystanders in a forest of sap and tinsel. One year she had her tree bungeed to the wall. Honest to god, bungeed!
She set down the gauntlet (or stocking) for you to mock as well. “What do you think of my Christmas tree?” “Well Maw Maw, it looks like a cedar tree bungeed to the wall.” Of course, we had to tell her how lovely it was, but she knew. It was the yearly Mildred Hybarger act of defiance.

With the tree, somewhat safely put up celebrating would commence. Festivities were usually opened with my cousin Matt and me getting into a fight and the summarily being punished. Punishment would include making us hug or touch noses until we apologized to one another. Brilliant parenting move when you want to get kids who irritate each other to get along, make ‘em touch until they act right. After opening ceremonies the brothers, (my father and two uncles) would realize they needed to go get something from the store. Supplies often included motor oil and peanuts. All of them would pile into somebody’s pick up and proceed to be gone for five hours. Mooresville ain’t that big, the are not a whole lot of store choices especially on Christmas Eve. Farthest option was Roses and it was only ten minutes away.

Now the rest of us would have to wait for the prodigal sons to return before getting to Christmas feast, after about two hours past dinner time we would all break and just go to WHATA-BURGER up the road and get a WHATA-BURGER bruger (covered with chili and slaw) and a Witch Doctor (cherry lemon sundrop with dill pickles). Shut up-it’s awesome.

The worst was the year my father received a handgun for Christmas…cuz nothing celebrates the birth of our lord and savior like a firearm. I don’t think they made it home until midnight.

Isn't it Romantic

2008-12-12T11:10:00.000-08:00

Okay so some things that are romantic in the pages of a Danielle Steel novel that the reality of just plain freak me out

This whole kissing in the rain business seems way over rated to me. I mean yeah its hot in "The Notebook," but those are two ridiculously hot people and the math adds up to super duper hotness: If you take one Ryan Gosling and add one Rachel McAdams then multiple their wetness by two and add one fabulous 50s dress what do you get: Super duper romantic kissing in the rain. For those who just got super romantic kissing in the rain you forgot to carry the one Ryan Gosling beard.

Noah I think you’re beard just bit me.

Another ostensibly romantic rendezvous is riding around in a hot air balloon. The allure of taking a quiet float amongst marvelous scenery while drinking merlot does has a nice appeal to it. You are like a Sanka commercial or a Virginia Is for Lovers ad. I have this image in my mind of hot air balloon romancers. It includes patterned sweaters, pleated chinos, and fringe cut hair. Let us dissect this little fantasy for a moment. What you are really doing is getting into an oversized picnic basket that is held up by a nylon sheet and a high tech tiki torch. Also, do not forget that you are not in this basket alone; there is the hot air balloon operator. I think these guys are akin to carnies. They have names like Woody, Tad, or Drake and live in a circa 1982 Winnebago. Woody, Tad, and Drake travel from city to city like fleece wearing locusts following the balloon festivals. The only good thing about a hot air balloon is getting out of one.

Why did it take this guy three weeks to finish the tree?

Obviously Balloons over Virginia feels the same way.

“If music be the food of love, play on.” Shakespeare could bang out some pretty good poetry. A skill belonging to a elite few; why it is that everyone thinks they are a poet is beyond me. Bad poetry makes me wanna stab myself in the eye with a pencil. I don’t know what I would do if my husband ever came home speaking in iambic pentameter, I might just runaway with Woody, Tad, or Drake.

I found this at Very Bad Poems-My new favorite place.

Way back before the dawn of mankind.
I think the time was,
One out of eleven.
People succumb.
And that's the it was.
Way back in the time.
Of one out of eleven.

“Beautiful” and “Hey there Delilah”, radio stations are out to get us. These two songs are proof of that. When they both first came out, you heard it a couple times a week and thought, “awww isn’t that sweet, sensitive boys, not poetry sensitive but just right,” or at least that’s what I thought. In the following weeks, it went from a couple times a week to a dozen and then before you knew it every single station had both these songs on all the time. At the height of the madness, there were only three radio choices. The two just stated or Lil Wayne’s Lollipop.

I just can’t choose!

Gimme some roses anyday, always a classic!

How to sound smarter

2008-12-04T08:32:00.000-08:00

My sister and I recently had a discussion covering a wide range of topics.

1st
They should totally package cranberry stuff in molded cans cuz nobody ever bothers to do anything to disguise the shape.

But that is not the point of this blog, just a little aside for ya.

2nd
Sometimes in heated discussions one should have an arsenal of words to make one sound more intelligent, more on their game. It doesn’t really matter if you know the definition of said word because chances are your conversational opponent is not going to have a clue either. I have a compiled a key list for you to employ is you should ever find your self in a tête-à-tête standoff.

Word List
Barometric-a smart sounding word about the weather
Doppler- see above
Diatribe- ranting: example; Courtney frequently goes on nonsensical diatribes.
Homogeny- it took me three months of grad school to figure this out, I still don’t know
Schematic- architectural term and you know architects are smart
Foucault- a guy who wrote a book about deconstructionism
Deconstructionism- a subject written about by a guy named Foucault
Myanmar-used to Burma, no one really knows where it is
Mesopotamia- country from a long time ago sounds smarter than Babylon
Totalitarianism- form of government that makes you sound politically savvy
Warren Buffet- totally wealthy guy who gives lots of money to poor kids in Myanmar
The Birth of a Nation- silent controversial film, not movie, film
Proust- pronounced Proost, you get mad points for pronunciation

These words should aid you when you wanna impress some know-it-all or smug friend or family member. See if you can use multiple words in a sentence. I will give you an example: In ancient Mesopotamia, the architectural schematic clearly shows a totalitarianism sate of mind. (Sounds pretty smart, eh?)

Even Foucault doesn't understand himself

Oh stewardess! I speak jive.

2008-11-25T10:25:00.000-08:00

As Thanksgiving approaches and I try to stay in the habit of almost daily entries I thought I should submit one more musing before I venture up to the Great White North to have a Plymouth party. In the spirit of gobbler gluttony, I am making a list of notable jive turkeys. I know the connection is tenuous at best, but bear with me okay.

As a preface, I mean jive turkeys in the positive greeting and not the insult. The urban dictionary has two definitions and one is a friendly greeting (not the most official source, I know but this is a blog and not a dissertation).

Venus Flytrap
Definitely the smoothest man at WKRP and probably in Cincinnati, this smooth talking DJ made his grand entrance in the Big Guy’s office with a “what’s up white folks.” Venus was always cool but tight pants wearing Andy Travis, the show’s program director, cultivated his hipness. The originally monickered Gordon Sims was given his name and a completely new wardrobe and never looked back. Venus Flytrap was one of the first television characters to delve into the misconceptions of racial identity. While his persona was one of uber hip black DJ, Venus himself never felt in sync with this role. Played by Tim Reid, Venus was the ultimate straight man to a cast of zany sometimes-offensive characters!

Les Nesman: Venus is excellent at sports.

Venus Flytrap: Thanks Les, how do you know?

Les Nesman: Because you’re a Negro

Michael Evans
Nicknamed the Militant Midget, this Good Times character was all about endeavoring for equal rights. A 13-year-old attending multiple protests and civil rights functions Michael Evans (Played by Ralph Carter) showed that political involvement could start at any age. In addition, he rocked some power berets and the fist raise

JJ Who?

Huey Newton and Bobby Seale
I mainly but these two people on my list because I know someone who actually knew them! The Black Panther headquarters was next door to his home in San Francisco. He said growing up he would see the guards stationed outside and that Seal and Newton played with him. Bobby would pick him up and toss him in the air. He called Huey Newton Smokey Robinson because he reminded of him. Seriously, he called Huey Newton Smokey to HIS FACE!!!

Ultimate Neighborhood Watch

That old gal from Airplane
Cuz c’mon, how can you not?

Turkeys from WKRP
Yeah, yeah, so its poultry and not people but let’s give it up to those brave little soldiers who gave the ultimate sacrifice for the best comedic sitcom moment in history!

No turkeys were really dropped from a helicopter…I don’t think

VHS or Beta

2008-11-24T09:35:00.000-08:00

The husband and I recently set up a dual DVD/VHS player that we purchased (7 months ago). After successful installation we pulled out a storage bin containing our joint VHS collection. The merger of acquisitions has never been so strange. Rifling through the box there is a clear delineation between his and mine. Platoon situated next to Porky’s, I bet that was something Oliver Stone never expected. I was also struck that Topher’s (said husband) collection had a feeling of cohesion whereas my collection resembled one belonging to a southern style Sybil.

I excitedly grabbed my copy of Tarzan and his Mate circa 1932 starring Johnny Weissmuller and threw it in for viewing. As I sit here and watch the natives plunge down the face of the escarpment. I think about my VHS choices and the little snapshots of my life they offer.

Mothered by an Ape-He knew only the law of the jungle-to seize what he wanted!

I have both Tarzan the Ape Man and Tarzan and his Mate. My father introduced me to the Weissmuller series at the ripe old age of 12. AMC was having a week long special of Tarzan films and my father promptly yelled for me, “to get a load of this!” From my father I learned an appreciation of all things tasteless. Just the other day we watched a Sci-Fi film “Sasquatch.” I stepped away from the TV for a few moments and heard the excited screams “Squatch, squatch!” The Sasquatch by the way looked like Craig T. Nelson.
I digress; Tarzan offers a great snapshot into 1930s perceptions of race. The poor natives in this film take headers off the escarpment while belting out death cries similar to Goofy. I primarily enjoyed the loincloths and yodeling.

Gidget
Oh my god, I love Gidget so much. Moondoggie and the Big Kahuna are just about the dreamiest cats around! That’s right, dreamy. Gidget is my Id. A big part of me wants to be a 60s era California surfer gal (I also have the Endless Summer, but that’s more for the woodies.) Guys in 1950s short shorts and Keds; say what you will but, it makes me wanna put on some pedal pushers, throw my hair in a bubble flip, and have a mad cap summer adventure. All my life I’ve wanted to go to a clambake. Awesome bathing suits, hairstyles, long board surfing stunts, pre blue screen backdrops, and spontaneous songs are all the right ingredients for summer fun.

Moondoggie is rocking the manpris!

Shag
Or as I like to think of it Gidget with a side of tater tots and a tumbler of Jim Beam, a little more low rent and a lot more fun. Shag is Gidget if Sandra Dee had gone to Ninety Six high school and been a fan of Ripete Records. Shag is the story of four good time girls from Spartanburg who live it up one wild weekend in Myrtle Beach. I have heard many a tirade from my father about how anybody who was anybody in the 60s NEVER went to Myrtle Beach. The only place to be seen was the pad in OD, that's Ocean Drive for all you Shag laymen. So deep into my subconscious this movie has delved I have found myself using Shag lines in appropriate situations. Usually one right after another, “We can have a good time, but we cannot be wild.” Ten minutes later I am usually caterwauling, “this is the most fun!” While I’ve always wanted to be Gidget my life turned out to be Shag; which is way more fun

West Side Story
The tale of star crossed lovers Maria and Tony and the feud between the Sharks and the Jets, Westside Story was my gateway musical. Prior to viewing I had been a fan of all the requisite musicals. The ones that no matter what your views on Broadway may be, as a girl, you have to love. Mainly just Grease. Grease was the only option before Legally Blonde and Hairspray. There was no Zac Ephron, just John Travolta and that guy who’s now on Celebrity Rehab..Kenickie.
Romeo and Juliet with an urban flair Tony and Maria sang and danced their way into love and even into death. Well, just his death, Maria has enough and gives a verbal beat down so severe she scares the Sharks and Jets straight; at least until the end credits. West Side Story starred Natalie Wood and the fantastic Rita Moreno who could both purr with the best of them. Tony and Bernardo should have never had it so good.

Evil Dead
Rounding out my collection sampling is this cinematic masterpiece. I think there is a certain faction of the population that find this movie irresistible. A faction that consists primarily of twelve year old boys. Chainsaw armed Ash taking out zombie turned friends, people getting sexually assaulted by trees, and shovel beheadings are just a few of my favorite things. My best friend’s husband and I love to go on and on about this movie. Our spouses just look on at us with bored disdain. It’s very possible she and I married the male versions of one another; but that’s possibly another blog all together. Lesson here: You find a book made out of people, don’t open it.

This guy loves Evil Dead a way lot. Watching this I feel like I’m riding around in Hunter S. Thompson’s head.

Power Hour

2008-11-22T11:21:00.000-08:00

I think I may be starting my own blogging trend by focusing on inappropriate crushes. I continue this with a look at my fascination with dictators. I know, I know they do horrible things, I got it. I mean if one ever asked me to the neighborhood Applebees for some cheeseburger sliders or an appetizer sampler I doubt I would take the offer. However, I can look and appreciate from afar. Call it an attraction to power, or to the money, or even the notoriety. I personally think it’s their hair and uniforms.

I love Ivan the Terrible’s power beard and the seedy look in his eye. Now, he really wasn’t too terrible, in fact his Russian name translates to English more properly as Ivan the Awesome. Awesome! However, he did run through the ladies after the death of his first wife, and we all know how a woman loves a heartbreaker.

Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi doesn’t really count as a dictator but this little Libyan warlord has such a sense of style that he cannot be ignored. If there were a Malevolent Vogue, he surely would be on the cover. I mean who else could rock out gold lame’ and still be menacing. He always had some kind of fun official military uniform, even though there was no military behind it. A+ for bold use of color and texture. Tim Gunn would be proud

I know that my definition of dictator is totally amorphous. But Henry Clay’s dominance in Congress did give him the nickname “The Dictator.” It’s true. He was straight dreamy, at least in paintings, pictures not so much.

Stay Away from the light Carol Anne!

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad or as I like to call him bearded Jake Gyllenhaal

No gay people in Iran my foot, tell me his jaw line has not made a few converts

Rockstar of world leader’s abusing power. Vladimer Putin is something out of a Bond movie. He could devise a totalitarian system of government over me, just sayin.

Yet another side affect from growing up in a neighborhood with all boys. You know everyone was a little curious what was under the hood.

A Theme Song of My Very Own

2008-11-21T05:31:00.000-08:00

Everyone has a theme song. You know, the song that would play during all your mobile moments in life. Walking down the street, riding your bike, running after the ice cream truck, whatever. I always thought mine would be the theme song to Sanford and Son. It has this dilapidated groove in which I can walk in sync and I find it oddly fitting with my lifestyle. Obvious "trashy" connotations aside; I dig the song and would be prone to drive a rickety pick up with a rocking chair in the back.

Recent events have led me to believe that the fates have a different theme in mind for me. Riding in Christopher's car over the past week a song has played with unusual frequency: Kenny Loggin's Highway to the Danger Zone. Mr. Loggins is not one to normally get a lot of air play but three out of four car rides this song has been on. Those are dentist statistics right there. Some celestial force is telling us something; I'd like to think that the message is that I am cool enough to have a naval pilot jam for my own life soundtrack. It could also be that Topher's ride is so sweet that it compares to a fighter jet. Of the two I'm not sure which. Anywho, this got me thinking about my life soundtrack so I decided to compile a list. Here it is:

1) Aforementioned Sanford and Son

2) The Joker-Steve Miller

3) 99 Luft Balloons-Nena

4) Walking on Sunshine- Katrina and the Waves

5) Heaven for the Weather- The Streets

6) Dance Magic Dance- David Bowie

7) She's Lost Control- Joy Division

8) Benny Hill Theme

9) What a Wonderful World- Sam Cook

10) Take on Me- Ah-Ha

11) Come on Eileen- Dexys Midnight Runners

12) Rainbow Connection- Kermit the Frog

13) Sabotage- Beastie Boys

14) Anything Dolly

Well there we go; my life set to music.

Here's something extra

You Animate My Heart

2008-11-20T11:43:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I have cartoon crushes. I don’t know if this is pervy or not. I think it all started with Bow from She-ra Princess of Power. He had that red heart that beat for
She-ra. I don’t think she ever gave him the time of day. In my opinion, he should have given up on a lady with obvious lesbian tendencies and focused on Catra who had a way cooler outfit ala Bettie Page. I was five.

My next cartoon crush was sort of by default. I really wanted to ponder whether or not I liked Buddy Blue (Lucky) or Red Butler (Romeo) from Rainbow Bright but since all the kids in the neighborhood where boys we had to watch and play two things: Ghostbusters or GI Joe. Now cartoon Egon Spengler had the best hair so I wanted to pretend to be him or Ray; we made my friend’s kid brother be Slimer. I was always Scarlett when it came GI Joe time and Slimer’s big brother Curtis Reynolds would be Duke. Now I know somehow in pre-adolescent role-playing I jumbled my real crush on Curtis into a love of Duke. Cartoon Duke made me think of Cute Curtis from Murmont Circle and Cute Curtis made me think of tight shirts with cammo pants. I think Curtis/Duke was the archetype of my Jack Bauer/Keifer duality love.

Duke=early 80s Jack Bauer

Curtis aside, who by the way ended my infatuation by puking in Mrs. Christopher’s kindergarten class, my cartoon crushes continued. Again, due to the overwhelming boy to girl ratio on Murmont Circle I was still forced to watch Rainbow Bright and Jem in secret. The neighborhood pack had moved on to Thundercats. Now in our portrayals I performed the role of Cheetra. Quite well, I might add. Sometimes I was Snarf if another neighborhood kid, Justin’s sister deigned to play with us. She tried to wrench the role of Scarlett away from me but on that, I stood firm. Lion-O was hot. Let’s be honest there is something appealing about a cat/man in tights and leather with fantastic hair that is appealing. The again, maybe not, maybe I am a hentai nut without even knowing; oh lord.

The height of my crushes came in 1992 with the release of Aladdin. Now don’t worry I don’t have a blue genie fetish on top of were-cat love. However, I did and will always have a special place in my heart for Aladdin. He was one part diamond in the rough, one part snarky wise guy, with a jacked body thrown in. The man had fantastic abs and a monkey. Who doesn’t love a man with a monkey or fantastic abs for that matter? Let us not forget his hair. That hair was something out of a romance novel. Ever noticed that romance novel heroes always have thick black hair, you’ll be hard pressed to find a blond or lord help you a red head.

Aladdin was my only Disney crush. I found Eric from Little Mermaid wimpy and the Beast brought up a bestiality theme I was not equipped to deal with. It’s been a while since I have had a cartoon crush, not because I am almost thirty but because they just don’t draw ‘em like they use too, the days of great abs and arms are over. CGI guys just don’t do it for me.

I think its because of the hair.

Intro to blogging

2008-11-20T11:26:00.000-08:00

So apparently since man hath put down his rock writing tablet he has been blogging. I always thought of myself as pretty tech savvy, but after trying to figure this junk out I now know that aside from checking my email and watching videos of dachshunds on YouTube I am a complete computer illiterate. Are we all so self important that we think people, strangers really, wanna read our thoughts and feelings over the internet. I suppose so, so here is my page devoted to myself. I guess I am doing this to get back in the habit of writing, at one time I was pretty good; not great, but good. So I guess here I am.

Oh-here are some dachshunds

Always the Last to Jump on a Band Wagon

2008-11-19T13:46:00.000-08:00

But i do eventually jump. I am trying to figure this blogging nonsense out!