You Animate My Heart

Sometimes I have cartoon crushes. I don’t know if this is pervy or not. I think it all started with Bow from She-ra Princess of Power. He had that red heart that beat for
She-ra. I don’t think she ever gave him the time of day. In my opinion, he should have given up on a lady with obvious lesbian tendencies and focused on Catra who had a way cooler outfit ala Bettie Page. I was five.



My next cartoon crush was sort of by default. I really wanted to ponder whether or not I liked Buddy Blue (Lucky) or Red Butler (Romeo) from Rainbow Bright but since all the kids in the neighborhood where boys we had to watch and play two things: Ghostbusters or GI Joe. Now cartoon Egon Spengler had the best hair so I wanted to pretend to be him or Ray; we made my friend’s kid brother be Slimer. I was always Scarlett when it came GI Joe time and Slimer’s big brother Curtis Reynolds would be Duke. Now I know somehow in pre-adolescent role-playing I jumbled my real crush on Curtis into a love of Duke. Cartoon Duke made me think of Cute Curtis from Murmont Circle and Cute Curtis made me think of tight shirts with cammo pants. I think Curtis/Duke was the archetype of my Jack Bauer/Keifer duality love.


Duke=early 80s Jack Bauer

Curtis aside, who by the way ended my infatuation by puking in Mrs. Christopher’s kindergarten class, my cartoon crushes continued. Again, due to the overwhelming boy to girl ratio on Murmont Circle I was still forced to watch Rainbow Bright and Jem in secret. The neighborhood pack had moved on to Thundercats. Now in our portrayals I performed the role of Cheetra. Quite well, I might add. Sometimes I was Snarf if another neighborhood kid, Justin’s sister deigned to play with us. She tried to wrench the role of Scarlett away from me but on that, I stood firm. Lion-O was hot. Let’s be honest there is something appealing about a cat/man in tights and leather with fantastic hair that is appealing. The again, maybe not, maybe I am a hentai nut without even knowing; oh lord.

The height of my crushes came in 1992 with the release of Aladdin. Now don’t worry I don’t have a blue genie fetish on top of were-cat love. However, I did and will always have a special place in my heart for Aladdin. He was one part diamond in the rough, one part snarky wise guy, with a jacked body thrown in. The man had fantastic abs and a monkey. Who doesn’t love a man with a monkey or fantastic abs for that matter? Let us not forget his hair. That hair was something out of a romance novel. Ever noticed that romance novel heroes always have thick black hair, you’ll be hard pressed to find a blond or lord help you a red head.



Aladdin was my only Disney crush. I found Eric from Little Mermaid wimpy and the Beast brought up a bestiality theme I was not equipped to deal with. It’s been a while since I have had a cartoon crush, not because I am almost thirty but because they just don’t draw ‘em like they use too, the days of great abs and arms are over. CGI guys just don’t do it for me.

I think its because of the hair.