I'm a song that helped change the face of music
I'm a song that slapped that face.
Gordo should have pistol whipped and locked you in a closet
I had to listen to this immediately to calm down
Saturday, January 17, 2009
You're killing me Lizzie McGuire
I have no words, I wish I had a larger capacity for prose to give this the lambasting it deserves. I am sure the below will speak for itself. We are living in a cultural Sahara.
I'm a song that helped change the face of music
I'm a song that slapped that face.
Gordo should have pistol whipped and locked you in a closet
I had to listen to this immediately to calm down
I'm a song that helped change the face of music
I'm a song that slapped that face.
Gordo should have pistol whipped and locked you in a closet
I had to listen to this immediately to calm down
Sage Wisdom
I only have part ownership of this blog. The following is a collaboration between myself and my friends Sam and Stacie. The proceeding list is the product of a evening at Sammy's; the neighborhood bar that promises, "Beer, Pool, and Skeeball." Sadly, there is no skeeball but the atmosphere is nice and the drinks are cheap.
Having the combined age of 80, the three of us feel we have quite a few nuggets of wisdom and insight to share. This list was prepared specifically for a high school senior about to emabrk on her very own collegiate experience.
Being such a good list I thought I might want to share with you our guidelines with no editing or changes
Written on Two Bar Napkins I Present the Following with No Alterations
Sage Wisdom
1) Go on Craigslist for hookers
2) There's always room for champagne
3)Always read Courtney's blog
4) Gene Wilder IS Wily Wonka
5) Watch for body language
6) If wishes were dimes, I'd be a millionaire
7) When all else fails, pick the jew.
8) Always rely on Bel Viv Devoe and James Brown to get a party started (now u know)
9) NEVER TRUST A MANWHO DRINKS FRUITY DRINKS WITH A STRAW
10) Dudes in hoodies ALWAYS have something to prove
11) Girls in pink hats are always surprised-don't trust them
12) When in doubt have another
13) Those who wear sunglasses at night are embarrassed of themselves (except for Corey Hart & Bono).
14) NEVER talk to a man who owns fringe
10) Never get a man's name tattoed on your body
*11) If your friends don't like him neither should you!!!
12) Aspire to band MUSE NOT groupie!!
13) Lee Press on Nails are fun but not to be worn out in public.
14) Hyper color shirts were only good in theory
15) Stay away from men who "pop" their collars.
16) Sometimes 4am Waffle House is the only option
17) Black' N Milds are not cool no matter what you think
18) A guy wearing pink can be hot. Guys that wear pink all the time...well they aren't straight
27) Always pick SLASH (G&R youngun') & LL Cool J licks his lips for a reason
28) always ask to see their license
29) Never believe it when it when someone says "I'm not drunk."
30) Never kissa guy who has the same first name as you.
31) If you don't like them give them a fake phone number or the # of someone you hate
51) Never put cats in a bag or date a guy who wears pooka shells as a necklace
53) A guy who wears fake diamonds is always in debt
54) If he has a woman's name tattoed on himseld he's a tool NO MATTER WHAT
SAGE WISDOM (PAGE DEAUX) WITH A VENGEANCE
68) Beers on special are the only way to go!
69) No matter how great the guy is your girls are the best!
70) Grand gestures are nice but a guy who does the little things is worth keeping
71) Enjoy your life!!! (Greg says)
72) Always, I mean Always check the left hand ring finger
73) Don't let the fear of falling keep your from jumpiong
74) A man that comes to the door is worth it, if he honks-no matter what-ditch him!
75) A man who starts of calling you baby is always full of it!
76) Don't rush it! Enjoy 18!
77) A man with long fingernails should not be trusted.
78) Always know you are a beautiful special girl who is better than most. Someone who is an inspiration to those much older & maybe not too much wiser.
Hope these little life lessons help you all make it through the day!
Having the combined age of 80, the three of us feel we have quite a few nuggets of wisdom and insight to share. This list was prepared specifically for a high school senior about to emabrk on her very own collegiate experience.
Being such a good list I thought I might want to share with you our guidelines with no editing or changes
Written on Two Bar Napkins I Present the Following with No Alterations
Sage Wisdom
1) Go on Craigslist for hookers
2) There's always room for champagne
3)Always read Courtney's blog
4) Gene Wilder IS Wily Wonka
5) Watch for body language
6) If wishes were dimes, I'd be a millionaire
7) When all else fails, pick the jew.
8) Always rely on Bel Viv Devoe and James Brown to get a party started (now u know)
9) NEVER TRUST A MANWHO DRINKS FRUITY DRINKS WITH A STRAW
10) Dudes in hoodies ALWAYS have something to prove
11) Girls in pink hats are always surprised-don't trust them
12) When in doubt have another
13) Those who wear sunglasses at night are embarrassed of themselves (except for Corey Hart & Bono).
14) NEVER talk to a man who owns fringe
10) Never get a man's name tattoed on your body
*11) If your friends don't like him neither should you!!!
12) Aspire to band MUSE NOT groupie!!
13) Lee Press on Nails are fun but not to be worn out in public.
14) Hyper color shirts were only good in theory
15) Stay away from men who "pop" their collars.
16) Sometimes 4am Waffle House is the only option
17) Black' N Milds are not cool no matter what you think
18) A guy wearing pink can be hot. Guys that wear pink all the time...well they aren't straight
27) Always pick SLASH (G&R youngun') & LL Cool J licks his lips for a reason
28) always ask to see their license
29) Never believe it when it when someone says "I'm not drunk."
30) Never kissa guy who has the same first name as you.
31) If you don't like them give them a fake phone number or the # of someone you hate
51) Never put cats in a bag or date a guy who wears pooka shells as a necklace
53) A guy who wears fake diamonds is always in debt
54) If he has a woman's name tattoed on himseld he's a tool NO MATTER WHAT
63) A stramp stamp is called so for a reason
66) sometimes the only acceptable nickname is chochise
67) If a guy wants to take you to Havana-go (except if his nickname is cochise)
68) A guy who uses dip will eventually have a hole in his lip
69) If a guy wears more jewelry than you avoid him like the plaque this applies to MAKEUP TOO!!
SAGE WISDOM (PAGE DEAUX) WITH A VENGEANCE
68) Beers on special are the only way to go!
69) No matter how great the guy is your girls are the best!
70) Grand gestures are nice but a guy who does the little things is worth keeping
71) Enjoy your life!!! (Greg says)
72) Always, I mean Always check the left hand ring finger
73) Don't let the fear of falling keep your from jumpiong
74) A man that comes to the door is worth it, if he honks-no matter what-ditch him!
75) A man who starts of calling you baby is always full of it!
76) Don't rush it! Enjoy 18!
77) A man with long fingernails should not be trusted.
78) Always know you are a beautiful special girl who is better than most. Someone who is an inspiration to those much older & maybe not too much wiser.
Hope these little life lessons help you all make it through the day!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Chuck Norris Who?
Oh my friggin’ lord. Its kismet, fate, serendipity: today is Talk Like Jack Bauer Day. Last night I watched all four episodes of season 7 and here it is a little known but important holiday. Gosh, I wish they made cards for this. Who knew such an awesome day existed. In honor of “Talk Like Jack Bauer Day,” I give you my all time favorite quotes growled by my all time favorite defender of the world!
Day 1
“You’re a good liar, but I’ve seen better.”
“Say it again or I’ll break your other wrist!”
Day 2
“I’m gonna need a hacksaw.”
“I can make you die with more pain than you ever imagined”
“Give me a name!”
Day 3
“Shut up stupid, you just fired at a federal agent.”
Michael Amador: “You betrayed me Jack.”
Jack Bauer: “That’s right Amador, you betrayed me to, I’m just better at it than you.”
“You have no idea how far I’m willing to go to acquire your cooperation.”
Day 4
“Make a sound and I will blow your brains all over the windshield”
“That hurts, doesn’t it?”
Day 5
“Let’s get something straight kid, the only reason you’re still conscious is because I don’t wanna carry you.”
“You’re going to tell me what I want to know , it’s just a question of how bad you want it to hurt.”
“Trust me you do not wanna go down this road with me.”
Day 6
“Do you understand the difference between dying for something and dying for nothing? The only reason I fought so hard to stay alive in China is because I didn’t want to die for nothing…today I can die for something…my way, my choice.”
“Drop the coffee.”
“Are you telling me I don’t know how to drive?”
“You will experience a pain I can’t even describe.”
“Say hello to your brother.”
Day 7
“I am more than willing to be judged by the people you claim to represent. I will let them decide what price I should pay. But please do not sit there with that smug look on your face and expect me to regret the decisions I have made. Because, sir, the truth is I don't.”
“What happened to you Tony?”
Overall Award Winning Quote: “Damn It!”
Say a damn it for me sometime today!!
Day 1
“You’re a good liar, but I’ve seen better.”
“Say it again or I’ll break your other wrist!”
Day 2
“I’m gonna need a hacksaw.”
“I can make you die with more pain than you ever imagined”
“Give me a name!”
Day 3
“Shut up stupid, you just fired at a federal agent.”
Michael Amador: “You betrayed me Jack.”
Jack Bauer: “That’s right Amador, you betrayed me to, I’m just better at it than you.”
“You have no idea how far I’m willing to go to acquire your cooperation.”
Day 4
“Make a sound and I will blow your brains all over the windshield”
“That hurts, doesn’t it?”
Day 5
“Let’s get something straight kid, the only reason you’re still conscious is because I don’t wanna carry you.”
“You’re going to tell me what I want to know , it’s just a question of how bad you want it to hurt.”
“Trust me you do not wanna go down this road with me.”
Day 6
“Do you understand the difference between dying for something and dying for nothing? The only reason I fought so hard to stay alive in China is because I didn’t want to die for nothing…today I can die for something…my way, my choice.”
“Drop the coffee.”
“Are you telling me I don’t know how to drive?”
“You will experience a pain I can’t even describe.”
“Say hello to your brother.”
Day 7
“I am more than willing to be judged by the people you claim to represent. I will let them decide what price I should pay. But please do not sit there with that smug look on your face and expect me to regret the decisions I have made. Because, sir, the truth is I don't.”
“What happened to you Tony?”
Overall Award Winning Quote: “Damn It!”
Say a damn it for me sometime today!!
Oil of Olay
You know that show kids say the Darndest Things? Well sometimes they should be slapped for it.
I was thinking of this incident that happened years back in college. I and two sorority sisters, Amanda and Kristie, decided to take a break from partying and general carousing to spend a wholesome day at the Riverbanks Zoo. The sun was shining and we were feeling pretty proud of ourselves for getting out of bed before 1:00pm on a weekend.
We wandered through and looked at the zebras, monkeys, giraffes, lions, and all that jazz. Who would have known that the real action was coming up in the tortoise enclosure.
Now tortoises are not known for excitement, they basically walk around chewing some grass and looking tired. Sort of like me- but without the grass. This story is not about the big turtle in fact forget the big turtle. This story is about a young jackass.
As we watched the tortoise mosey around a trio joined us comprising of a little girl, little boy, and grandma. I think the parents had pawned the kids off on grandma to go drink wine and celebrate their few hours of freedom.
Grandma and the kids watched the tortoises with us for a moment when the little boy turned to his sister and LOUDLY whispered, “its got skin like grandma.”
Now my little trio took off at a run walk that everyone thinks is subtle but in reality is so not. We got about 50 yards away before we fell out. I remember looking back during my escape to see grandma ignoring her grandson with a kind of quiet dignity.
Now at 21 I thought this was hilarious, but as I bulldoze my way closer to thirty, I wish grandma had tossed that kid into the tortoise pen and left him there.
RASBERRIES!
I was thinking of this incident that happened years back in college. I and two sorority sisters, Amanda and Kristie, decided to take a break from partying and general carousing to spend a wholesome day at the Riverbanks Zoo. The sun was shining and we were feeling pretty proud of ourselves for getting out of bed before 1:00pm on a weekend.
We wandered through and looked at the zebras, monkeys, giraffes, lions, and all that jazz. Who would have known that the real action was coming up in the tortoise enclosure.
Now tortoises are not known for excitement, they basically walk around chewing some grass and looking tired. Sort of like me- but without the grass. This story is not about the big turtle in fact forget the big turtle. This story is about a young jackass.
As we watched the tortoise mosey around a trio joined us comprising of a little girl, little boy, and grandma. I think the parents had pawned the kids off on grandma to go drink wine and celebrate their few hours of freedom.
Grandma and the kids watched the tortoises with us for a moment when the little boy turned to his sister and LOUDLY whispered, “its got skin like grandma.”
Now my little trio took off at a run walk that everyone thinks is subtle but in reality is so not. We got about 50 yards away before we fell out. I remember looking back during my escape to see grandma ignoring her grandson with a kind of quiet dignity.
Now at 21 I thought this was hilarious, but as I bulldoze my way closer to thirty, I wish grandma had tossed that kid into the tortoise pen and left him there.
RASBERRIES!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
It goes to 11
This is part of an older blog I an posting to throw down the gauntlet on a couple of friends of mine (you know who you are). I do this 1) Because I am lazy and recycling stuff and 2) In honor of the tour bus Rock of Love
Sebastian Bach vs. Bret Michaels. An age old dilemma like the chicken and the egg but with mascara and pleather pants.
The following is substantiation that Sebastian clearly wins the battle of washed up rockers in this hair to hair death match:
Sebastian:
Discography
Skid Row rocked out with 18 and Life, Youth Gone Wild, I Remember You, and Wasted Time
Broadway Comeback
He was the title character in Jekyll and Hyde, was Riff Raff in Rocky Horror, AND was in Jesus Christ Superstar
Personal
Has been married to the same chick since 1992…which is awesome for a hair band guy
TV Comeback
Ted Nugent led an intervention on the VH1 reality show SuperGroup and the lead singer gave up alcohol. Nugent promised to "kick the shit out of" Sebastian if he ever drank again. When the Nuge holds your intervention, you know you're awesome.
Cocaine's a hell of a drug
Bret:
Discography
Poison: had such hits at Unskinny Bop, Talk Dirty to Me, Something to Belive in, and Every Rose has its Thorn-which is about a stripper
Personal
Dated Pam Anderson: A place no hair bander has been before
TV Comeback
Bret has held a whose more pathetic contest with Rock of Love, not once, not twice, but THREE times!!!
Lookout Audrey Hepburn
Appearance
Young Sebastian
Amber waves
Young Bret
Someone needs to deep condition
Old Sebastian
Crazy Broadway hotness!
Old Bret
My face looks like Wooly Willy
If you are gonna be with an aging rock star…pick one that rocked. Moreover, he was on trailer park boys.
Morning Calisthenics
Sebastian Bach vs. Bret Michaels. An age old dilemma like the chicken and the egg but with mascara and pleather pants.
The following is substantiation that Sebastian clearly wins the battle of washed up rockers in this hair to hair death match:
Sebastian:
Discography
Skid Row rocked out with 18 and Life, Youth Gone Wild, I Remember You, and Wasted Time
Broadway Comeback
He was the title character in Jekyll and Hyde, was Riff Raff in Rocky Horror, AND was in Jesus Christ Superstar
Personal
Has been married to the same chick since 1992…which is awesome for a hair band guy
TV Comeback
Ted Nugent led an intervention on the VH1 reality show SuperGroup and the lead singer gave up alcohol. Nugent promised to "kick the shit out of" Sebastian if he ever drank again. When the Nuge holds your intervention, you know you're awesome.
Cocaine's a hell of a drug
Bret:
Discography
Poison: had such hits at Unskinny Bop, Talk Dirty to Me, Something to Belive in, and Every Rose has its Thorn-which is about a stripper
Personal
Dated Pam Anderson: A place no hair bander has been before
TV Comeback
Bret has held a whose more pathetic contest with Rock of Love, not once, not twice, but THREE times!!!
Lookout Audrey Hepburn
Appearance
Young Sebastian
Amber waves
Young Bret
Someone needs to deep condition
Old Sebastian
Crazy Broadway hotness!
Old Bret
My face looks like Wooly Willy
If you are gonna be with an aging rock star…pick one that rocked. Moreover, he was on trailer park boys.
Morning Calisthenics
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Nothing Says Happy Birthday Jesus
Like a Semi Automatic Weapon
Growing up it became a tradition for my family to take a Christmas Eve pilgrimage to my Maw Maw’s house in Mooresville, NC. Mooresville is known for two things, NASCAR and WHATA-BURGER; the former does not have much to do with this story. WHATA-BURGER, however, became a Hybarger holiday mainstay.
Maw Maw Hybarger was the matriarch of the Hybarger clan. She raised three wild boys who kicked out car windows, chased each other with knives, fell of mountaintops and various other things; most women would have just given up yet she still looked fabulous. Every Christmas the three boys and their families would return to the Mooresville homestead for Christmas fun.
Firstly, my grandmother had a love of ugly trees, we all knew it; she knew it but dared anyone to challenge. The lady did not go in for pines, balsams, or Fraser firs; she loved Cedar Christmas trees. Is there any tree lot in North America that sells Cedar Christmas trees? I think even in her later years she went out and cut one down herself. Her trees were always in need of serious structural support. They always tilted to the side; precariously set to topple burying bystanders in a forest of sap and tinsel. One year she had her tree bungeed to the wall. Honest to god, bungeed!
She set down the gauntlet (or stocking) for you to mock as well. “What do you think of my Christmas tree?” “Well Maw Maw, it looks like a cedar tree bungeed to the wall.” Of course, we had to tell her how lovely it was, but she knew. It was the yearly Mildred Hybarger act of defiance.
With the tree, somewhat safely put up celebrating would commence. Festivities were usually opened with my cousin Matt and me getting into a fight and the summarily being punished. Punishment would include making us hug or touch noses until we apologized to one another. Brilliant parenting move when you want to get kids who irritate each other to get along, make ‘em touch until they act right. After opening ceremonies the brothers, (my father and two uncles) would realize they needed to go get something from the store. Supplies often included motor oil and peanuts. All of them would pile into somebody’s pick up and proceed to be gone for five hours. Mooresville ain’t that big, the are not a whole lot of store choices especially on Christmas Eve. Farthest option was Roses and it was only ten minutes away.
Now the rest of us would have to wait for the prodigal sons to return before getting to Christmas feast, after about two hours past dinner time we would all break and just go to WHATA-BURGER up the road and get a WHATA-BURGER bruger (covered with chili and slaw) and a Witch Doctor (cherry lemon sundrop with dill pickles). Shut up-it’s awesome.
The worst was the year my father received a handgun for Christmas…cuz nothing celebrates the birth of our lord and savior like a firearm. I don’t think they made it home until midnight.
Growing up it became a tradition for my family to take a Christmas Eve pilgrimage to my Maw Maw’s house in Mooresville, NC. Mooresville is known for two things, NASCAR and WHATA-BURGER; the former does not have much to do with this story. WHATA-BURGER, however, became a Hybarger holiday mainstay.
Maw Maw Hybarger was the matriarch of the Hybarger clan. She raised three wild boys who kicked out car windows, chased each other with knives, fell of mountaintops and various other things; most women would have just given up yet she still looked fabulous. Every Christmas the three boys and their families would return to the Mooresville homestead for Christmas fun.
Firstly, my grandmother had a love of ugly trees, we all knew it; she knew it but dared anyone to challenge. The lady did not go in for pines, balsams, or Fraser firs; she loved Cedar Christmas trees. Is there any tree lot in North America that sells Cedar Christmas trees? I think even in her later years she went out and cut one down herself. Her trees were always in need of serious structural support. They always tilted to the side; precariously set to topple burying bystanders in a forest of sap and tinsel. One year she had her tree bungeed to the wall. Honest to god, bungeed!
She set down the gauntlet (or stocking) for you to mock as well. “What do you think of my Christmas tree?” “Well Maw Maw, it looks like a cedar tree bungeed to the wall.” Of course, we had to tell her how lovely it was, but she knew. It was the yearly Mildred Hybarger act of defiance.
With the tree, somewhat safely put up celebrating would commence. Festivities were usually opened with my cousin Matt and me getting into a fight and the summarily being punished. Punishment would include making us hug or touch noses until we apologized to one another. Brilliant parenting move when you want to get kids who irritate each other to get along, make ‘em touch until they act right. After opening ceremonies the brothers, (my father and two uncles) would realize they needed to go get something from the store. Supplies often included motor oil and peanuts. All of them would pile into somebody’s pick up and proceed to be gone for five hours. Mooresville ain’t that big, the are not a whole lot of store choices especially on Christmas Eve. Farthest option was Roses and it was only ten minutes away.
Now the rest of us would have to wait for the prodigal sons to return before getting to Christmas feast, after about two hours past dinner time we would all break and just go to WHATA-BURGER up the road and get a WHATA-BURGER bruger (covered with chili and slaw) and a Witch Doctor (cherry lemon sundrop with dill pickles). Shut up-it’s awesome.
The worst was the year my father received a handgun for Christmas…cuz nothing celebrates the birth of our lord and savior like a firearm. I don’t think they made it home until midnight.
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