Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Hello Again...
starring Shelley Long and Me. I almost completely forgot I had a blog, lazy and forgetful is a bad combination. Fear not, as I am resolving to stay faithful to this little website devoted all to me!
Saturday, April 25, 2009
How was your day honey?
Date: Saturday April 25th 2009
Location: Work, specifically the historic area
Find: A jockstrap
Location: Work, specifically the historic area
Find: A jockstrap
If Shermer Highschool was a real place...
everyone would look like Molly Ringwald.
Like every other post puberty female in America I love all John Hughes films; pre Baby's Day Out. Hughes perfected the art of teen melodrama while maintaining a element of cool.
I have never been cool. As much as I love and want to be Sam from Sixteen Candles, pining for and eventually getting Jake Ryan; I have a feeling I'd be more comfortable in some of the lesser known yet important roles. Here we go in no real order:
Sixteen Candles
So my fave movie for forever. I heart it so much and I'll have you know I was in love with Jake Ryan waaaaay before Hot Topic started selling t-shirts with his face. I think it makes it even more awesome that Micahel Schoeffling aka the model of 80s teen perfection quit the biz to make furniture. What!!!
Anyways in the midst of Sweet Sixteen shenanigans there is a man who I don't think gets nearly enough credit:
Grandpa Fred
Who is Grandpa Fred? Grandpa Fred is the the fantastically inappropriate grandfather of Samantha Davis Baker Jr! I want to grow up to be him, appearing to be perpetually slightly intoxictaed and the only one who laughs during awkward moments. "Hey Howard, there's your Chinaman."
The Breakfast Club
Prolly the definitive work in the John Hughes collective. There is nothing to say about this movie that hasn't been said already, heck people are even writing dissertations on it. How awesome would that be?
Out of a cast of only 7 everyone's real hero is Carl.
Carl even has a facebook, fan page. Do you?
"I am the eyes and ears of this school."
Some Kind of Wonderful
I'd so be the dad in this movie.
I am totally pissed at that kid blowing his savings on some earrings for a skirt. What the hell Keith? Caroline in the City is cute and all but you should have known from the beginning to stick with Watts. Watts was the inspiration for Emily Valentine from 90210 (I know It)!
"You're Cool"
"Watch out Bren, she's dangerous!"
This movie also has the greatest all time makeout scene ever. Here it is for gratuitious enjoyment.
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
The only mistake that streetwise Ferris makes during his epic adventure is handing over the keys of a Ferrari 250 GT California to a couple of yabbos! I'd much rather joyride around the streets of Chicago in an classic car with the Star Wars soundtrack blasting in my wake than go to a Cubs game.
"What country do you think this is?"
Pretty in Pink
James Spader's chest hair. That is all
Like every other post puberty female in America I love all John Hughes films; pre Baby's Day Out. Hughes perfected the art of teen melodrama while maintaining a element of cool.
I have never been cool. As much as I love and want to be Sam from Sixteen Candles, pining for and eventually getting Jake Ryan; I have a feeling I'd be more comfortable in some of the lesser known yet important roles. Here we go in no real order:
Sixteen Candles
So my fave movie for forever. I heart it so much and I'll have you know I was in love with Jake Ryan waaaaay before Hot Topic started selling t-shirts with his face. I think it makes it even more awesome that Micahel Schoeffling aka the model of 80s teen perfection quit the biz to make furniture. What!!!
Anyways in the midst of Sweet Sixteen shenanigans there is a man who I don't think gets nearly enough credit:
Grandpa Fred
Who is Grandpa Fred? Grandpa Fred is the the fantastically inappropriate grandfather of Samantha Davis Baker Jr! I want to grow up to be him, appearing to be perpetually slightly intoxictaed and the only one who laughs during awkward moments. "Hey Howard, there's your Chinaman."
The Breakfast Club
Prolly the definitive work in the John Hughes collective. There is nothing to say about this movie that hasn't been said already, heck people are even writing dissertations on it. How awesome would that be?
Out of a cast of only 7 everyone's real hero is Carl.
Carl even has a facebook, fan page. Do you?
"I am the eyes and ears of this school."
Some Kind of Wonderful
I'd so be the dad in this movie.
I am totally pissed at that kid blowing his savings on some earrings for a skirt. What the hell Keith? Caroline in the City is cute and all but you should have known from the beginning to stick with Watts. Watts was the inspiration for Emily Valentine from 90210 (I know It)!
"You're Cool"
"Watch out Bren, she's dangerous!"
This movie also has the greatest all time makeout scene ever. Here it is for gratuitious enjoyment.
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
The only mistake that streetwise Ferris makes during his epic adventure is handing over the keys of a Ferrari 250 GT California to a couple of yabbos! I'd much rather joyride around the streets of Chicago in an classic car with the Star Wars soundtrack blasting in my wake than go to a Cubs game.
"What country do you think this is?"
Pretty in Pink
James Spader's chest hair. That is all
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Who are you to judge
The continual trials and tribulations of Courtney's civic duty.
Day 2
10:00am- I'm back at the Moss Justice center sitting in a super cold room. Its called the "deliberation room," I need one of those in my house. I am sitting with 12 other people and we just stare at each other sort of suspiciously; sizing each other up as to who is going to be the trouble maker who goes 12 Angry Men on us.
10:30- We go and sit in the little box in the middle of the court room, its kind of like being a rockstar but without smiling and no Lycra. We find out that this is a domestic violence case-great and learn all the rules and stuff about what we can and cannot do. I feel bad one lady is the alternate. Like in miss America, she has to go through all the same junk but cannot make a decision, that's some boo.
10:45- Trial starts. Stereotyping is wrong? I think not, the prosecution and defense lawyers look and act exactly the way you see in movies and TV.
Prosecution:
Little, nervous, bad tie: Begins his tail with "It was a dark, cold, rainy evening in December. The Christmas tree was lit up." Really, this is your A game? Its gonna be a looong day
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Doogie Howser Pictures, Images and Photos" src="http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c186/Heather110277/DoogieHowser.jpg" border=0>
I passed the BAR on Tuesday
Defense:
Smarmy, smug, southern. Not regular southern but slightly Foghorn Leghorn: Begins with talking about TV shows, You good folks like them TV shows like Law and Order, well that's not exactly how it works...ya see." First of all, don't tell me Law and Order isn't real cuz I saw you on last week's episode. Secondly, please don't ever refer to me as a collection of you folks.
I got my degree from Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil Law.
Join me for the next installment: The Trial aka Rednecks in Love
Day 2
10:00am- I'm back at the Moss Justice center sitting in a super cold room. Its called the "deliberation room," I need one of those in my house. I am sitting with 12 other people and we just stare at each other sort of suspiciously; sizing each other up as to who is going to be the trouble maker who goes 12 Angry Men on us.
10:30- We go and sit in the little box in the middle of the court room, its kind of like being a rockstar but without smiling and no Lycra. We find out that this is a domestic violence case-great and learn all the rules and stuff about what we can and cannot do. I feel bad one lady is the alternate. Like in miss America, she has to go through all the same junk but cannot make a decision, that's some boo.
10:45- Trial starts. Stereotyping is wrong? I think not, the prosecution and defense lawyers look and act exactly the way you see in movies and TV.
Prosecution:
Little, nervous, bad tie: Begins his tail with "It was a dark, cold, rainy evening in December. The Christmas tree was lit up." Really, this is your A game? Its gonna be a looong day
I passed the BAR on Tuesday
Defense:
Smarmy, smug, southern. Not regular southern but slightly Foghorn Leghorn: Begins with talking about TV shows, You good folks like them TV shows like Law and Order, well that's not exactly how it works...ya see." First of all, don't tell me Law and Order isn't real cuz I saw you on last week's episode. Secondly, please don't ever refer to me as a collection of you folks.
I got my degree from Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil Law.
Join me for the next installment: The Trial aka Rednecks in Love
Don't you Sequester my Authority!
So I have been remiss in my blogging lately; I think my soul has yet to fully recover from the stagnation that is jury duty. At the age of 29 I have been pretty lucky in avoiding jury duty for the past eleven years. This January my number was up.
Day One:
9:00am- After getting lost and driving all around the Moss Justice Center in York, SC I finally find myself corralled into a room that for some reason reminds of an airport.
9:10am- I fill in all the little sheets and junk when you arrive for duty and am given the number 107. Damn you 107!
9:30- Waiting around with a bunch of people, make a friend who is about my age we start talking junk about some of the folks near us.
9:45- Justice lady comes in and gives us a lecture about civic duty and we should be thankful that we get to do this. She wishes we could all serve on a jury to learn about our justice system. I whisper a little too loudly that I watch Law and Order, the people laugh. Oh, also, we should not try and weasel our way out of jury duty because they will send the sheriff after us. Not scare anyone, but the sheriff gets mentioned a lot.
9:50am-We do role call. All 150 people have to stand up, state our names and occupation, state our spouse's name and occupation. Pretty basic stuff, one guy was named Richard Kimball-awesome
I didn't skip out on jury duty!
I don't care
10:50- Yes it took an hour for role call.
10:52- We wait
11:20-The judge comes in. Gives us the same speech, mentions the sheriff. We then wait some more. Some people go and try their case to be relieved of jury duty.
I give the story of:
One Women Who Failed
Some chick with flame red hair and a denim jacket comes back to her seat dejected and angry. See she has to go to jail on Friday. She has been convicted of domestic assault, she hit her husband and she begins her sentence on Friday. Hand to God the judge does not excuse her. Seriously...what!
12:00- Lunch
2:00 We come back. Justice lady comes up and tells us that everyone but these forty people can leave. You hear a collective groan as numbers are called. Juror number 107 please stay. Damn!
2:15 We get ushered upstairs and have to sit in the court room. New judge asks us a bunch of questions.
2:20- They then call out numbers and those jurors go and stand up in front of both the prosecution and defense. Sort of like sorority rush, but with this one you wanna be rejected. Were are on Juror member number 11! Sweet, the smell of freedom begins to tickle my nostrils the BAM!! Juror number 107, I march up there no hesitation let's take her. Hooray I got a bid for a really crappy sorority with terrible mixers. Yay!
I'm the one in the tie
Day One:
9:00am- After getting lost and driving all around the Moss Justice Center in York, SC I finally find myself corralled into a room that for some reason reminds of an airport.
9:10am- I fill in all the little sheets and junk when you arrive for duty and am given the number 107. Damn you 107!
9:30- Waiting around with a bunch of people, make a friend who is about my age we start talking junk about some of the folks near us.
9:45- Justice lady comes in and gives us a lecture about civic duty and we should be thankful that we get to do this. She wishes we could all serve on a jury to learn about our justice system. I whisper a little too loudly that I watch Law and Order, the people laugh. Oh, also, we should not try and weasel our way out of jury duty because they will send the sheriff after us. Not scare anyone, but the sheriff gets mentioned a lot.
9:50am-We do role call. All 150 people have to stand up, state our names and occupation, state our spouse's name and occupation. Pretty basic stuff, one guy was named Richard Kimball-awesome
I didn't skip out on jury duty!
I don't care
10:50- Yes it took an hour for role call.
10:52- We wait
11:20-The judge comes in. Gives us the same speech, mentions the sheriff. We then wait some more. Some people go and try their case to be relieved of jury duty.
I give the story of:
One Women Who Failed
Some chick with flame red hair and a denim jacket comes back to her seat dejected and angry. See she has to go to jail on Friday. She has been convicted of domestic assault, she hit her husband and she begins her sentence on Friday. Hand to God the judge does not excuse her. Seriously...what!
12:00- Lunch
2:00 We come back. Justice lady comes up and tells us that everyone but these forty people can leave. You hear a collective groan as numbers are called. Juror number 107 please stay. Damn!
2:15 We get ushered upstairs and have to sit in the court room. New judge asks us a bunch of questions.
2:20- They then call out numbers and those jurors go and stand up in front of both the prosecution and defense. Sort of like sorority rush, but with this one you wanna be rejected. Were are on Juror member number 11! Sweet, the smell of freedom begins to tickle my nostrils the BAM!! Juror number 107, I march up there no hesitation let's take her. Hooray I got a bid for a really crappy sorority with terrible mixers. Yay!
I'm the one in the tie
Saturday, January 17, 2009
You're killing me Lizzie McGuire
I have no words, I wish I had a larger capacity for prose to give this the lambasting it deserves. I am sure the below will speak for itself. We are living in a cultural Sahara.
I'm a song that helped change the face of music
I'm a song that slapped that face.
Gordo should have pistol whipped and locked you in a closet
I had to listen to this immediately to calm down
I'm a song that helped change the face of music
I'm a song that slapped that face.
Gordo should have pistol whipped and locked you in a closet
I had to listen to this immediately to calm down
Sage Wisdom
I only have part ownership of this blog. The following is a collaboration between myself and my friends Sam and Stacie. The proceeding list is the product of a evening at Sammy's; the neighborhood bar that promises, "Beer, Pool, and Skeeball." Sadly, there is no skeeball but the atmosphere is nice and the drinks are cheap.
Having the combined age of 80, the three of us feel we have quite a few nuggets of wisdom and insight to share. This list was prepared specifically for a high school senior about to emabrk on her very own collegiate experience.
Being such a good list I thought I might want to share with you our guidelines with no editing or changes
Written on Two Bar Napkins I Present the Following with No Alterations
Sage Wisdom
1) Go on Craigslist for hookers
2) There's always room for champagne
3)Always read Courtney's blog
4) Gene Wilder IS Wily Wonka
5) Watch for body language
6) If wishes were dimes, I'd be a millionaire
7) When all else fails, pick the jew.
8) Always rely on Bel Viv Devoe and James Brown to get a party started (now u know)
9) NEVER TRUST A MANWHO DRINKS FRUITY DRINKS WITH A STRAW
10) Dudes in hoodies ALWAYS have something to prove
11) Girls in pink hats are always surprised-don't trust them
12) When in doubt have another
13) Those who wear sunglasses at night are embarrassed of themselves (except for Corey Hart & Bono).
14) NEVER talk to a man who owns fringe
10) Never get a man's name tattoed on your body
*11) If your friends don't like him neither should you!!!
12) Aspire to band MUSE NOT groupie!!
13) Lee Press on Nails are fun but not to be worn out in public.
14) Hyper color shirts were only good in theory
15) Stay away from men who "pop" their collars.
16) Sometimes 4am Waffle House is the only option
17) Black' N Milds are not cool no matter what you think
18) A guy wearing pink can be hot. Guys that wear pink all the time...well they aren't straight
27) Always pick SLASH (G&R youngun') & LL Cool J licks his lips for a reason
28) always ask to see their license
29) Never believe it when it when someone says "I'm not drunk."
30) Never kissa guy who has the same first name as you.
31) If you don't like them give them a fake phone number or the # of someone you hate
51) Never put cats in a bag or date a guy who wears pooka shells as a necklace
53) A guy who wears fake diamonds is always in debt
54) If he has a woman's name tattoed on himseld he's a tool NO MATTER WHAT
SAGE WISDOM (PAGE DEAUX) WITH A VENGEANCE
68) Beers on special are the only way to go!
69) No matter how great the guy is your girls are the best!
70) Grand gestures are nice but a guy who does the little things is worth keeping
71) Enjoy your life!!! (Greg says)
72) Always, I mean Always check the left hand ring finger
73) Don't let the fear of falling keep your from jumpiong
74) A man that comes to the door is worth it, if he honks-no matter what-ditch him!
75) A man who starts of calling you baby is always full of it!
76) Don't rush it! Enjoy 18!
77) A man with long fingernails should not be trusted.
78) Always know you are a beautiful special girl who is better than most. Someone who is an inspiration to those much older & maybe not too much wiser.
Hope these little life lessons help you all make it through the day!
Having the combined age of 80, the three of us feel we have quite a few nuggets of wisdom and insight to share. This list was prepared specifically for a high school senior about to emabrk on her very own collegiate experience.
Being such a good list I thought I might want to share with you our guidelines with no editing or changes
Written on Two Bar Napkins I Present the Following with No Alterations
Sage Wisdom
1) Go on Craigslist for hookers
2) There's always room for champagne
3)Always read Courtney's blog
4) Gene Wilder IS Wily Wonka
5) Watch for body language
6) If wishes were dimes, I'd be a millionaire
7) When all else fails, pick the jew.
8) Always rely on Bel Viv Devoe and James Brown to get a party started (now u know)
9) NEVER TRUST A MANWHO DRINKS FRUITY DRINKS WITH A STRAW
10) Dudes in hoodies ALWAYS have something to prove
11) Girls in pink hats are always surprised-don't trust them
12) When in doubt have another
13) Those who wear sunglasses at night are embarrassed of themselves (except for Corey Hart & Bono).
14) NEVER talk to a man who owns fringe
10) Never get a man's name tattoed on your body
*11) If your friends don't like him neither should you!!!
12) Aspire to band MUSE NOT groupie!!
13) Lee Press on Nails are fun but not to be worn out in public.
14) Hyper color shirts were only good in theory
15) Stay away from men who "pop" their collars.
16) Sometimes 4am Waffle House is the only option
17) Black' N Milds are not cool no matter what you think
18) A guy wearing pink can be hot. Guys that wear pink all the time...well they aren't straight
27) Always pick SLASH (G&R youngun') & LL Cool J licks his lips for a reason
28) always ask to see their license
29) Never believe it when it when someone says "I'm not drunk."
30) Never kissa guy who has the same first name as you.
31) If you don't like them give them a fake phone number or the # of someone you hate
51) Never put cats in a bag or date a guy who wears pooka shells as a necklace
53) A guy who wears fake diamonds is always in debt
54) If he has a woman's name tattoed on himseld he's a tool NO MATTER WHAT
63) A stramp stamp is called so for a reason
66) sometimes the only acceptable nickname is chochise
67) If a guy wants to take you to Havana-go (except if his nickname is cochise)
68) A guy who uses dip will eventually have a hole in his lip
69) If a guy wears more jewelry than you avoid him like the plaque this applies to MAKEUP TOO!!
SAGE WISDOM (PAGE DEAUX) WITH A VENGEANCE
68) Beers on special are the only way to go!
69) No matter how great the guy is your girls are the best!
70) Grand gestures are nice but a guy who does the little things is worth keeping
71) Enjoy your life!!! (Greg says)
72) Always, I mean Always check the left hand ring finger
73) Don't let the fear of falling keep your from jumpiong
74) A man that comes to the door is worth it, if he honks-no matter what-ditch him!
75) A man who starts of calling you baby is always full of it!
76) Don't rush it! Enjoy 18!
77) A man with long fingernails should not be trusted.
78) Always know you are a beautiful special girl who is better than most. Someone who is an inspiration to those much older & maybe not too much wiser.
Hope these little life lessons help you all make it through the day!
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