Who are you to judge

The continual trials and tribulations of Courtney's civic duty.

Day 2

10:00am- I'm back at the Moss Justice center sitting in a super cold room. Its called the "deliberation room," I need one of those in my house. I am sitting with 12 other people and we just stare at each other sort of suspiciously; sizing each other up as to who is going to be the trouble maker who goes 12 Angry Men on us.

10:30- We go and sit in the little box in the middle of the court room, its kind of like being a rockstar but without smiling and no Lycra. We find out that this is a domestic violence case-great and learn all the rules and stuff about what we can and cannot do. I feel bad one lady is the alternate. Like in miss America, she has to go through all the same junk but cannot make a decision, that's some boo.

10:45- Trial starts. Stereotyping is wrong? I think not, the prosecution and defense lawyers look and act exactly the way you see in movies and TV.

Prosecution:
Little, nervous, bad tie: Begins his tail with "It was a dark, cold, rainy evening in December. The Christmas tree was lit up." Really, this is your A game? Its gonna be a looong day

Doogie Howser Pictures, Images and Photos" src="http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c186/Heather110277/DoogieHowser.jpg" border=0>
I passed the BAR on Tuesday

Defense:
Smarmy, smug, southern. Not regular southern but slightly Foghorn Leghorn: Begins with talking about TV shows, You good folks like them TV shows like Law and Order, well that's not exactly how it works...ya see." First of all, don't tell me Law and Order isn't real cuz I saw you on last week's episode. Secondly, please don't ever refer to me as a collection of you folks.



I got my degree from Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil Law.


Join me for the next installment: The Trial aka Rednecks in Love

Don't you Sequester my Authority!

So I have been remiss in my blogging lately; I think my soul has yet to fully recover from the stagnation that is jury duty. At the age of 29 I have been pretty lucky in avoiding jury duty for the past eleven years. This January my number was up.

Day One:

9:00am- After getting lost and driving all around the Moss Justice Center in York, SC I finally find myself corralled into a room that for some reason reminds of an airport.

9:10am- I fill in all the little sheets and junk when you arrive for duty and am given the number 107. Damn you 107!

9:30- Waiting around with a bunch of people, make a friend who is about my age we start talking junk about some of the folks near us.

9:45- Justice lady comes in and gives us a lecture about civic duty and we should be thankful that we get to do this. She wishes we could all serve on a jury to learn about our justice system. I whisper a little too loudly that I watch Law and Order, the people laugh. Oh, also, we should not try and weasel our way out of jury duty because they will send the sheriff after us. Not scare anyone, but the sheriff gets mentioned a lot.

9:50am-We do role call. All 150 people have to stand up, state our names and occupation, state our spouse's name and occupation. Pretty basic stuff, one guy was named Richard Kimball-awesome



I didn't skip out on jury duty!

I don't care


10:50- Yes it took an hour for role call.

10:52- We wait

11:20-The judge comes in. Gives us the same speech, mentions the sheriff. We then wait some more. Some people go and try their case to be relieved of jury duty.

I give the story of:
One Women Who Failed
Some chick with flame red hair and a denim jacket comes back to her seat dejected and angry. See she has to go to jail on Friday. She has been convicted of domestic assault, she hit her husband and she begins her sentence on Friday. Hand to God the judge does not excuse her. Seriously...what!

12:00- Lunch

2:00 We come back. Justice lady comes up and tells us that everyone but these forty people can leave. You hear a collective groan as numbers are called. Juror number 107 please stay. Damn!

2:15 We get ushered upstairs and have to sit in the court room. New judge asks us a bunch of questions.

2:20- They then call out numbers and those jurors go and stand up in front of both the prosecution and defense. Sort of like sorority rush, but with this one you wanna be rejected. Were are on Juror member number 11! Sweet, the smell of freedom begins to tickle my nostrils the BAM!! Juror number 107, I march up there no hesitation let's take her. Hooray I got a bid for a really crappy sorority with terrible mixers. Yay!


I'm the one in the tie

You're killing me Lizzie McGuire

I have no words, I wish I had a larger capacity for prose to give this the lambasting it deserves. I am sure the below will speak for itself. We are living in a cultural Sahara.





I'm a song that helped change the face of music




I'm a song that slapped that face.


Gordo should have pistol whipped and locked you in a closet


I had to listen to this immediately to calm down

Sage Wisdom

I only have part ownership of this blog. The following is a collaboration between myself and my friends Sam and Stacie. The proceeding list is the product of a evening at Sammy's; the neighborhood bar that promises, "Beer, Pool, and Skeeball." Sadly, there is no skeeball but the atmosphere is nice and the drinks are cheap.
Having the combined age of 80, the three of us feel we have quite a few nuggets of wisdom and insight to share. This list was prepared specifically for a high school senior about to emabrk on her very own collegiate experience.

Being such a good list I thought I might want to share with you our guidelines with no editing or changes

Written on Two Bar Napkins I Present the Following with No Alterations


Sage Wisdom

1) Go on Craigslist for hookers

2) There's always room for champagne

3)Always read Courtney's blog

4) Gene Wilder IS Wily Wonka

5) Watch for body language

6) If wishes were dimes, I'd be a millionaire

7) When all else fails, pick the jew.

8) Always rely on Bel Viv Devoe and James Brown to get a party started (now u know)

9) NEVER TRUST A MANWHO DRINKS FRUITY DRINKS WITH A STRAW

10) Dudes in hoodies ALWAYS have something to prove

11) Girls in pink hats are always surprised-don't trust them

12) When in doubt have another

13) Those who wear sunglasses at night are embarrassed of themselves (except for Corey Hart & Bono).

14) NEVER talk to a man who owns fringe

10) Never get a man's name tattoed on your body

*11) If your friends don't like him neither should you!!!

12) Aspire to band MUSE NOT groupie!!

13) Lee Press on Nails are fun but not to be worn out in public.

14) Hyper color shirts were only good in theory

15) Stay away from men who "pop" their collars.

16) Sometimes 4am Waffle House is the only option

17) Black' N Milds are not cool no matter what you think

18) A guy wearing pink can be hot. Guys that wear pink all the time...well they aren't straight

27) Always pick SLASH (G&R youngun') & LL Cool J licks his lips for a reason

28) always ask to see their license

29) Never believe it when it when someone says "I'm not drunk."

30) Never kissa guy who has the same first name as you.

31) If you don't like them give them a fake phone number or the # of someone you hate

51) Never put cats in a bag or date a guy who wears pooka shells as a necklace

53) A guy who wears fake diamonds is always in debt

54) If he has a woman's name tattoed on himseld he's a tool NO MATTER WHAT

63) A stramp stamp is called so for a reason

66) sometimes the only acceptable nickname is chochise

67) If a guy wants to take you to Havana-go (except if his nickname is cochise)

68) A guy who uses dip will eventually have a hole in his lip

69) If a guy wears more jewelry than you avoid him like the plaque this applies to MAKEUP TOO!!

SAGE WISDOM (PAGE DEAUX) WITH A VENGEANCE

68) Beers on special are the only way to go!

69) No matter how great the guy is your girls are the best!

70) Grand gestures are nice but a guy who does the little things is worth keeping

71) Enjoy your life!!! (Greg says)

72) Always, I mean Always check the left hand ring finger

73) Don't let the fear of falling keep your from jumpiong

74) A man that comes to the door is worth it, if he honks-no matter what-ditch him!

75) A man who starts of calling you baby is always full of it!

76) Don't rush it! Enjoy 18!

77) A man with long fingernails should not be trusted.

78) Always know you are a beautiful special girl who is better than most. Someone who is an inspiration to those much older & maybe not too much wiser.


Hope these little life lessons help you all make it through the day!

Chuck Norris Who?

Oh my friggin’ lord. Its kismet, fate, serendipity: today is Talk Like Jack Bauer Day. Last night I watched all four episodes of season 7 and here it is a little known but important holiday. Gosh, I wish they made cards for this. Who knew such an awesome day existed. In honor of “Talk Like Jack Bauer Day,” I give you my all time favorite quotes growled by my all time favorite defender of the world!





Day 1

“You’re a good liar, but I’ve seen better.”

“Say it again or I’ll break your other wrist!”

Day 2

“I’m gonna need a hacksaw.”

“I can make you die with more pain than you ever imagined”

“Give me a name!”

Day 3

“Shut up stupid, you just fired at a federal agent.”

Michael Amador: “You betrayed me Jack.”
Jack Bauer: “That’s right Amador, you betrayed me to, I’m just better at it than you.”

“You have no idea how far I’m willing to go to acquire your cooperation.”

Day 4

“Make a sound and I will blow your brains all over the windshield”

“That hurts, doesn’t it?”

Day 5

“Let’s get something straight kid, the only reason you’re still conscious is because I don’t wanna carry you.”

“You’re going to tell me what I want to know , it’s just a question of how bad you want it to hurt.”

“Trust me you do not wanna go down this road with me.”

Day 6

“Do you understand the difference between dying for something and dying for nothing? The only reason I fought so hard to stay alive in China is because I didn’t want to die for nothing…today I can die for something…my way, my choice.”

“Drop the coffee.”

“Are you telling me I don’t know how to drive?”

“You will experience a pain I can’t even describe.”

“Say hello to your brother.”


Day 7

“I am more than willing to be judged by the people you claim to represent. I will let them decide what price I should pay. But please do not sit there with that smug look on your face and expect me to regret the decisions I have made. Because, sir, the truth is I don't.”

“What happened to you Tony?”

Overall Award Winning Quote: “Damn It!”





Say a damn it for me sometime today!!

Oil of Olay

You know that show kids say the Darndest Things? Well sometimes they should be slapped for it.

I was thinking of this incident that happened years back in college. I and two sorority sisters, Amanda and Kristie, decided to take a break from partying and general carousing to spend a wholesome day at the Riverbanks Zoo. The sun was shining and we were feeling pretty proud of ourselves for getting out of bed before 1:00pm on a weekend.

We wandered through and looked at the zebras, monkeys, giraffes, lions, and all that jazz. Who would have known that the real action was coming up in the tortoise enclosure.

Now tortoises are not known for excitement, they basically walk around chewing some grass and looking tired. Sort of like me- but without the grass. This story is not about the big turtle in fact forget the big turtle. This story is about a young jackass.

As we watched the tortoise mosey around a trio joined us comprising of a little girl, little boy, and grandma. I think the parents had pawned the kids off on grandma to go drink wine and celebrate their few hours of freedom.

Grandma and the kids watched the tortoises with us for a moment when the little boy turned to his sister and LOUDLY whispered, “its got skin like grandma.”

Now my little trio took off at a run walk that everyone thinks is subtle but in reality is so not. We got about 50 yards away before we fell out. I remember looking back during my escape to see grandma ignoring her grandson with a kind of quiet dignity.

Now at 21 I thought this was hilarious, but as I bulldoze my way closer to thirty, I wish grandma had tossed that kid into the tortoise pen and left him there.



RASBERRIES!

It goes to 11

This is part of an older blog I an posting to throw down the gauntlet on a couple of friends of mine (you know who you are). I do this 1) Because I am lazy and recycling stuff and 2) In honor of the tour bus Rock of Love

Sebastian Bach vs. Bret Michaels. An age old dilemma like the chicken and the egg but with mascara and pleather pants.

The following is substantiation that Sebastian clearly wins the battle of washed up rockers in this hair to hair death match:

Sebastian:

Discography
Skid Row rocked out with 18 and Life, Youth Gone Wild, I Remember You, and Wasted Time

Broadway Comeback
He was the title character in Jekyll and Hyde, was Riff Raff in Rocky Horror, AND was in Jesus Christ Superstar

Personal
Has been married to the same chick since 1992…which is awesome for a hair band guy

TV Comeback
Ted Nugent led an intervention on the VH1 reality show SuperGroup and the lead singer gave up alcohol. Nugent promised to "kick the shit out of" Sebastian if he ever drank again. When the Nuge holds your intervention, you know you're awesome.


Cocaine's a hell of a drug

Bret:

Discography
Poison: had such hits at Unskinny Bop, Talk Dirty to Me, Something to Belive in, and Every Rose has its Thorn-which is about a stripper

Personal
Dated Pam Anderson: A place no hair bander has been before


TV Comeback
Bret has held a whose more pathetic contest with Rock of Love, not once, not twice, but THREE times!!!

Lookout Audrey Hepburn

Appearance
Young Sebastian


Amber waves

Young Bret

Someone needs to deep condition

Old Sebastian


Crazy Broadway hotness!

Old Bret

My face looks like Wooly Willy


If you are gonna be with an aging rock star…pick one that rocked. Moreover, he was on trailer park boys.


Morning Calisthenics